The Midnight News 7.06.01
Posted By Hyatte on 07.06.01
Spike, Chyna, Molly, Jarrett, Styles, Jake speaks, and Canada vs Me.
Hey.
Looks like everyone picked up and ran with 411's EXCLUSIVE BREAKING NEWS about this big WWFE announcement that has all the stockholders in a frenzy. Of course, no one gives us CREDIT... because no one wants to admit to reading me.
Jerk-offs.
Okay, let's get this thing going....
SMACKDOWN YOU'RE GOAT!!!
I don't know what that means, what I DO know is that Spike Dudley broke his ankle during the show.... he'll be out of action for quite a while.
Man, they're dropping like flies.
I also know that Smackdown is going LIVE soon. The WWF sniffs that they are doing so because us stinky Internet douchebags keep giving the results away and wrecking the ratings.
What really sucks about all this is that these poor workers used to be able to go home once a week and chill out for a couple of days after Tuesday and before the big weekend of house shows. Now that's all screwed up. They'll never get home to the wife and kids and the nagging and the screaming and the bitching and the complaining and the nagging and nagging and nagging and and and.....
Screw it... DOUBLE THE HOUSE DATES!!!!
The news about the live Smackdown is old, but the Spike injury was broken by
The Observer
GREAT BALLS OF CHYNA
In New York, the UPN affiliate that ran Smackdown followed up with a newscast. In the news, they ran a piece on Chyna.... what happened, why it happened, and what happens next.
Linda McMahon said that Joanie had some surgery recently and is still recovering, that's why she hasn't been on-air. Linda also admitted that Joanie's contract renewal is up in November, but neither side is interested in moving forward with the signing.
Chyna said that she's leaving primarily because she had no leverage to work with. Vince McMahon owns everything concerning American Wrestling... what can she threaten him with? Defecting to Japan? CANADA??
Chyna also said that she is fresh out of stuff to do in the WWF. No woman can take her. She'll never be WWF champ.
No, she's going to Hollywood to try to be a big star. She wants to go heads up with Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator 3 and would love to do a super hero film. (bad news babe... Vin Diesel is said to be a lock for T3)
This girl is seriously delusional. I'll explain why in a few days.
HOLLY CRAP
Molly Holly has no illusions about going Hollywood. She likes doing what she does. She had a chat with someone from the Law recently. I don't know where the Law can be found... and I don’t really give a rat's ass either... so don't tell me. I picked this up from
Meltzer
-Molly broke into the business after a student who trained at a wrestling school near her home asked her to join up as her training partner. Molly had so much fun practicing that she decided right then and there to pursue the dream herself
-Growing up, she was a "Hulk-A-Maniac" and loved Ricky Steamboat. She was more of a fan of the gimmicks than she was of the actual wrestlers.
-She trained under Dean Malenko. For two months, Dean pushed her hard every day for 4-5 hours each.
-She said that WCW never knew what to do with her, or anyone else for that matter... but on the whole, she was just happy to be there and to be able to work.
-She said no one ever taught her how to cut a promo (and Lord knows... it shows)
-She said that WCW fell due to lack of leadership. If there was a problem, no one knew who to go to for an answer. Nothing was ever solved.
-Before coming to the WWF, she heard a lot of rumors about what she would be doing. Would she be with William Regal? With Dean Malenko? She said that after going to a few shows and watching the process, they just came up to her and said that she will be "Molly Holly".
-She loved the idea. She claimed to have always been a big fan of Crash Holly. (ah, so there's the one)
-Right now, she has no other long range goals. She is just happy with her spot on the card. She is content.
-She said that all the other women in the WWF made her feel right at home right away. Each babe has her own distinct look and she's very happy with what she has going for her now.
Pretty weak interview, if you ask me. Not that Miss Holly is a storm of controversy... but.... jeeze.
WHO CHOSE THE CHOSEN ONE
No one, apparently. RF Video reports that Jeff Jarrett will be sitting at home and slapping his own nuts at least until October.
OUT OF STYLEZ
Joey Styles officially announced that he HAD been offered a job with the WWFE but has turned it down because since ECW's demise, he's returned to the corporate world.... and to leave it and go back to wrestling would result in a huge cut in pay.
He would have LOVED to be a part of the company on a part time basis, but when you sell your soul to Vince McMahon, you sell it ALL!! So no Joey Styles.
You know... the guy DID sort of.... suck. "OH MY GAWD" still beats Lawler's "PUPPIES" as most overabused catchphrase EVER!!!
1bob reported this. I can live with the pop-ups... 4 to a page these days... but to throw out one last pop-up just as you put another URL on your address board on click "go".... THAT'S too damn lame. Come on guys... we came, we clicked, and we accepted the 6 pop-up logjam for every page.... why throw out one last one as a farewell?
And don't bother telling me how to get rid of the pop-ups... I know all the secrets already.
BUT, PLUGS
Well, what do we have tonight?
Well (2), there's 411's big time
Smackdown recap by Sean McCluskey. Still posted faster than ANYONE ELSE.... little do these 411 kids realize that there is NO PRIZE FOR COMING IN FIRST!!
And Jeff "Greenthumb" Gardner shows up with part three of his Wrestling Real World thing under the column entitled
Hanging Gardens. It's high concept comedy at it's very finest. (Keep in mind, my hand is nowhere near a stack of Bibles as I type this)
Keep an eye on the 411 Message Board too. Because you never know what big story WE'LL be breaking NEXT!!!!!
Honky gets the rest of the weekend off and instead we hear from wrestling's most famous Crackhead....
JAKE-OFF
From The Snake's personal web site.... I should set up the comments but.... well.... with Jake Roberts, it's all about personal interpretation and riding it out, man.... riding it out.
How do you measure your shows now that there is no competition - hope not by ratings. Check and see why they turn on and turn off. I have a great idea for a strange and weird, almost death defying match. Hard-core - even harder - TLC even more....Hell in a Cell - solitary!
No way....How about a match where oh now, you will know for sure if you ever doubted my bizarre sick mind...yes, a match where both men stay in the ring and oh my God, wrestle. Don't get D.A, don't touch Referee, no interference, or breast flying by to distract...!!
No doubt the search will be long and tedious to find TWO men brave enough to try and great enough to pull this off....!
Another idea. a wrestling show that only has ugly pot-bellied fat, bald or time tested Vets that know their biz. Yeah, even Male Managers that can draw heat. Yeah - n hardcore - maybe softcore.
There's that, and he also said this:
JERIBLO - Will you ever --- ever get it? Don't think so.....Rhyno's gimmick is duh!! But yet you want to be tougher.....never --- never out do the other's gimmick - perform your own and by doing so manouever believably into a win - you don't get over by the destroying of characters and talent given to you. You should be very happy with the fact that VKM or whoever has decided to push regardless of the cost.
Fact is, if they don't turn you heel soon, they will run out of bodies to sacrifice. Don't believe for a minute Jeriblo is all the punishing you'll receive.
Right.
The man can preach, give him that. Can you imagine HIM doing WCW's color commentary?
As a final treat.... I thought I'd let the Canadians have a say to all the bashing I've given them. It's USA vs Canada, me against a country.... and...
CANADA FIGHTS BACK!!!!
"What's it like sticking your c**k all the way up Uncle Sam's ass? F**k man, don't you know any history at all? Anybody with BASIC history knows that the USA were the biggest p**sy's in WWI and WWII. Your country was too chicken sh*t to fight when the war started. You had to wait years later until Germany was weak thanks to the Brits/Russians/Canadians. When you actually did fight in a war from the start, you got your ASS KICKED. Let's take a look at Korea and Vietnam. My god, you got raped by a bunch of f**k'n barefooted ch**ks! Let's all salute the all mighty U.S. of A**holes. I AM CANADIAN. I AM XRIS kneel before me U.S. SWINE, and pass the word to your fellow dickheads that Canada doesn't want your f**king ignorate tourists coming here polluting our holy beer filled land."
Brits/Russians/Canadians??? BWAHAHAHAAA
Our tourists come there because it's cheaper than flying halfway around the world to visit a Third World nation. Plus, we like to bang your nitwit strippers (they're the easiest to snag, all you have to do is promise them a Visa Card into the States). Soil the purity of your country with our demon seed.
Look, you drunken bastard why don't you check out the history books before spouting off about Canada's involvement in the wars. You might be in for a surprise as the Canadian's did not hide out as you suggest. You know, you should get a job at one of those sleazy internet sites, because you are sure as HELL bringing this one down.
Well, I DID get rid of Chris Williams.
Sleazy Internet sites? I checked, the Shooters is all filled up.
The irony is, NO ONE accused me of bringing ScoopThis down... a site STUFFED with Canadians.
f**k you, you pansy fa**ot. come on up to Canada and see how your tough guy routine goes over. speaking of wars - that whole vietnam thing went over really well for you. the only reason we were hiding under our beds was because your mother was on top of it making cash to buy you a computer so that you could spit out stupid sh*t. get a life knob.
student body of Royal Roads University, especially Stewart Lee - got anything to say?
My tough guy routine works great in Canada.... except all the homos tried to blow me. God, there are TONS of them.... no wonder Pam Anderson ran to Tommy Lee, and then KID ROCK!!!!
The problem with Vietnam was that Nixon wanted to bomb them back to the Stone Age... the problem was, they were already there to begin with.
This one's my favorite:
Please excuse my fellow Canadians for clinging to the belief that Canada won the War of 1812. It wasn't really a real war and Britain did most of the fighting for us. Besides, the war ended with the Battle of New Orleans, which saw the Brits run away like Davey Boy Smith chasing a jar of painkillers. Despite the occasional rise of Canadian patriotism, we all just want to be Americans. Look at Chris Jericho. I don't see him living in Winnipeg anymore. Have you ever been to Winnipeg? Imagine Minnesota without any pro sports teams. Yes, Winnipeg is the most boring place on Earth. And it's cold. Really f**king cold. Colder than Francine was on her E-Bay date. So not all Canadians are a bunch of whining sore losers who wear pink and black. Most of us are just unarmed Americans with a weak dollar and really high taxes.
Trust me we know.
And lastly
And William Shatner is more powerful then all the wars of humanity in recorded history, and.....you know it, and it's...killing...you.................
...
*pointless gestures*
MISTER!!!
Sincerely,
In CANADA, someone may have questioned why Cap'n Kirk didn't dive into the pool to save his wife. Here in the good Ol' US, we understood that it's hard to get fine, quality hairpieces... so when we do, we keep them at all costs. The former Mrs Shatner didn't stand a chance.
Dare I say, she was "shat" out of luck?
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA
The score is... Hyatte: 04, Canada 00, the extra point is because you guys are responsible for Scott Keith.
I'm off for the weekend. Go be, go do, go die.
This is Hyatte